I'm used to adventures and uncertainty; heck, I probably thrive on them. But even for me, 2023 has been a rollercoaster in so many ways that I could not even have imagined -- professionally, personally, and emotionally.
Professionally:
- Stabilised the first ever team I've led in some ways, of course at some expense to myself, and then unfortunately watched it go into another crisis in the same year after I took on another role.
- Took on a second new role and one that I'd been curious about and wanted to pivot into -- product management. Struggled a lot to figure out what are my areas of responsibility and which are not, because everyone around me did not seem to know theirs and mine either. Regardless, I still think I did an amazing job even if I felt so insecure and unsure about the impact I'm bringing.
- Burnt out.
- Took a break from November till now, and likely at least till end of February.
Personally:
- Lost some $ in that maybe-scam but I was in too much mental problems to even have resources to tackle that. I hope I have truly forgiven myself to say that, hey, you did what you thought was right at that point in time with the information you had, and just learn from it, but not to build too many walls.
- Finally got into the dating app/game, one year later than I'd promised myself.
- Went on 4 dates with 3 guys in 3 days. Found out that dating isn't that scary or as awkward as I had made them out to be in the past many years. I forget how sociable I can be.
- Deepened some friendships, did not bother with some other more superficial ones. Trying to learn how to prioritise myself over others sometimes, and not always have it the opposite way.
- Made a trip home back to Singapore for 4 weeks, and came away realising that as much as I love my birth country, it no longer felt like home. This felt sad, but yet also slightly exciting in some ways.
- Also the year that I actually felt like I was able to let loose in some ways. Got so drunk I had to be brought home by a friend (for the very first time); danced and partied without care a few times and even on NYE with friends and strangers and had such a blast; felt sexy (thanks to J) and felt like indulging it even more, and still felt like myself.
Emotionally:
- Depression came along with the burnout. I had a timeline for myself that I would be maybe 80% better by spring, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I was a lot farther along than I understood, and that is one naive and optimistic timeline.
- Started therapy; took a while to find a psychologist that suited me but at least there's one now.
- Started doing a lot of internal unlearning, and growing. And came to the realisation that I've done a lot on my own, but that some growth requires a relationship to go further. It's hard to find triggers and learn how to handle them without letting myself out of the bubble I've built for so many years. Not sure it's a bubble anymore if the walls are as thick as I've made mine.
- Trying out a casual relationship. Not sure how successful I am at being casual if one of the ways I've employed to keep the emotional distance is to put a one-sided expiry date on it, imagine ending it around 25 times in my head, and, oh, anti-depressants which seem to suppress my emotions even more. But it's a novel area for me to experiment with and learn from.
But as always, there are so, so, so many things that I'm lucky to have. Such good friends who stand by me, even more than my family does -- A-u, T--a, A--e, Xx, Ts-ss, El-n-r. And also, myself -- for braving through the tough mental times and getting the help that I really needed, although that is an ongoing process, and one that I'm still in the midst of. But as history has often shown, the first step has always been the hardest: to 1) recognise, and 2) take.
And I continue to be grateful for my past self -- for being so curious, hopeful, and adventurous; for investing in wonderful friendships and relationships; for building myself this financial security that gives me freedom and peace of mind in case I ever want to make drastic changes to my life again, or if it happens to me involuntarily.
I carry that gratitude as I keep forging on in this adventure called life. I trust that it will guide and support me in the times I feel lost and when I don't take care of myself enough, and remind me of the wonderfulness in life. Of life.
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2024
It's almost a month into the new year now, in this social construct we made of time. And as it stands, I still don't know what might happen professionally -- whether I want to return, when I want to return, whether there will be anything to return to, whether I want to ease up for a bit until I feel 80% recovered, or something else entirely.
On the dating front, I'm struggling with new questions and thoughts I've not had to deal with before. J- being in Stockholm; him wanting to only meet up every 1.5-2 months; liking him and his company but wanting to keep it casual. Keeping it casual serves my purpose right now, since I haven't quite had the energy to focus on dating intentionally, but I also want to allow myself to have fun. I do sometimes wonder if it's also an easy way to put off getting vulnerable or hurt. The wonderful thing is that now I have this person to mirror against, I'm slowly clarifying and defining more of what I really want in a relationship and having the courage to face this head-on, after sidelining it for so long. So I hold on to this thought and try to keep myself open, even if it does end up being a heartbreak, I think I need to let myself experience that. As it is, I'm constantly grateful I've met him and grown so much even in the few times we've met over the past 6 months. (Wow, it's been 6 months? Holy cow.)
In some ways, I almost feel like 2024 might be a year of crossroads, where many chapters that are ongoing or started a few years ago may switch tracks. But as always, there's no real benefit in trying to forecast the ending when the journey is the real treasure.
Instead, I just need to identify the paths I want to take, love and trust myself, keep growing, and put one foot in front of the other at my own pace. And sometimes, if taking a step or three back feels like the right thing to do, I should go with it too.
"One step forward and one step back, is not the same as standing still."
I need to remind myself to be vulnerable and open as well. This has been hard but I've tried it in small steps with friends, and in some tiny ways, with J- as well, and it's not been as painful or difficult as I thought it might. But it's so easy to just clam up and armour myself since I've been doing that for... way too long.
