Questions, questions, questions -- where are the answers?

 Last weekend, Kaspar mentioned that it's been 3 months since we first met, and that was also the 7th night in a row that we were together (we spent weekdays at his place then weekend at mine). He mentioned he didn't have a gift for me to celebrate this 3 months, and I was like "Why would a gift be needed?". We're exclusive but not technically together, although in my head, I'm starting to reject less and less when he mentions "girlfriend". But in my head, I'm also thinking: Is it a milestone? Or a timer ticking down? 

It feels like with every hill we try to tackle, another appears before the previous ones are fully addressed. First it was him not taking care of himself (not being active, eating poorly, nicotine pouches, smoking weed daily, and a daily nightcap), so he now eats everything I give him, albeit that's only on the weekends, and apparently stopped smoking weed. 

Then it was a matter of the way we each view food -- I thoroughly enjoy it and enjoy cooking too and trying new flavours, new things; but he eats like a robot, and has a kid's preferences -- French fries with a bunch of mayo and ketchup. He doesn't like to veer outside what he knows (i.e. potatoes and meat patties) and most of all, he doesn't enjoy food. So now, he at least sits with me while I finish my food, and not run back to lying on the couch the moment he's done eating, and he tries everything I make. This weekend, he said let's try him cooking instead of me, and maybe that will help. I really like how he is trying to find ways to solve things together; I love this. 

And last week, while chatting, it turns out he hadn't even finished high school, despite going to Tartu for it after dropping out in Rakvere. Did 3 years there and attended only the culinary parts, but not the academic parts. And last year, when his Rakvere friend decided to complete her high school diploma with distance learning, he tried for a bit, then couldn't be bothered 2-3 months later, so ended it. It starts also tying together with the times when he starts coming home earlier than his job ends -- even though he's hourly paid -- and when I asked why, he just says he can't be bothered. Each on its own, hasn't really been a problem; but altogether, they seem to indicate a complete lack of discipline. And it makes me wonder, at some point is he going to stop working for the relationship because he can't be bothered? 

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At the same time, he often surprises me with how open-minded he seems. He doesn't mind that I earn a lot more than he, or if we will live in a place that I buy and drive a car I own. Or that if I move, he will want to move with me, even finding a janitor job if needed (I love this). Or that he will take the kids for the first 3 years parental leave so I can go work. Or that maybe I want to be a housewife. 

And that he is here to work through problems with me. And that he really wants to make it work. 

He is much cleaner and tidier, and he helps me out with these without complaining. In the long run, he said it's also not a problem because he can clean when we live together. 

He always lets me through the doors first. Carries most of the stuff even when I say I can carry them. Started to hug and stroke me much more than before. Always holds my hand when we're out walking. Doesn't shy away from talking about difficult topics. 

Is it enough? I hope it is. I think first, I need to ask myself some ugly and uncomfortable questions. 

--- 

Will he really be happy moving to a different country? 

Will he resent moving when he might have a hard time finding a job with his level of English and he doesn't even have his high school diploma? 

Will I eventually resent being the main breadwinner? 

Will he resent me being the main breadwinner? 

Will it be a problem raising kids when our education backgrounds are so different? 

Am I going to feel embarrassed with the differences in our education (not intelligence) and income levels? If  I do, what's behind it? 

---

Right now, I, surprisingly, feel like I can accept all these differences with panache. Very, very, very surprising discovery of myself. It seems I don't mind earning more, being the main breadwinner, having different education backgrounds and mindsets about work. 

But then I start wondering: am I swinging to having such lowww expectations from previously having such high expectations, and am I settling because I just want kids? Or I really think it can work with him? 

He is nothing like what I imagined my future partner might even be. I'm not sure that's good or bad. But interestingly enough, I am open to it now, but I wonder if it's a temporary blindness. 

"What matters to me right now?"

This question came by way of an email digest I subscribe to, and it seemed an extremely apt one at this juncture right before I return to work next Monday after 4 months of trying to recover from burnout and depression. I'm not fully recovered, in the sense that meds prop me up, but we've at least figured out what cocktail of prescriptions help make me socially functional. Emotions remain numbed, but that seems secondary from the doctor's point of view, given that her main goal just seems for me to return to work as soon as feasible. 

In the last 6 months, I've: 

- started dating apps! Tried it out first in Stockholm. 

- had a casual relationship that helped me understand myself and what I want/don't want better. 

- worked in a role I've been wanting to try from 2 years ago. And then burnt out from all the chaos. 

- been diagnosed with depression from the burnout. Started anti-depressants, and now taking a combination of two -- bupropion and Vortioxetine. Also taking sleep aid -- mirtazapine. 

- started seeing a psychologist. One worked; one didn't. 

- realised my idea of home is no longer that tiny red dot. 

In the last month, I've: 

- ended the casual relationship. :'( I still think this is the right decision but a part of me mourns the what-could-have-been's. 

- had some moments where I feel more like myself again. Jukebox in my head, much less brain fog, more energy, and able to work towards a goal or two. Thank you, meds. 

- worked consistently on improving my padel skills. Bandejas, specifically. Played in B-league. Signed up for a 3.5 month padel training with Padel+ as well. 

- re-started the dating process. Went on two first dates last week. 

- discussed returning to work and in what role/capacity. 

--- 

So, what matters to me right now? 

1. Health 

Getting back to me without needing meds. Which means, I need to work on:  

• Regulating and improving sleep quality 
• Eating well and regularly 
• Doing things that spark joy and recharge my energy: playing sports, listening to music, taking walks, eating good food, travelling, reading. 

2. Progress 

• Padel -- improving my basic technique and footwork. Unlearning and re-learning as needed. Consistency. Tournaments. 
• Career -- figuring out whether the current environment works for me or to move on. Start opening doors for myself. Check, check, apply, apply. 
• Relationships -- maintaining my quality friendships, and making a consistent effort to find a life partner. 
• Communication -- understanding and communicating my own boundaries, expectations, thoughts, and needs. 

Reflections

I'm used to adventures and uncertainty; heck, I probably thrive on them. But even for me, 2023 has been a rollercoaster in so many ways that I could not even have imagined -- professionally, personally, and emotionally. 

Professionally: 

- Stabilised the first ever team I've led in some ways, of course at some expense to myself, and then unfortunately watched it go into another crisis in the same year after I took on another role. 

- Took on a second new role and one that I'd been curious about and wanted to pivot into -- product management. Struggled a lot to figure out what are my areas of responsibility and which are not, because everyone around me did not seem to know theirs and mine either. Regardless, I still think I did an amazing job even if I felt so insecure and unsure about the impact I'm bringing. 

- Burnt out. 

- Took a break from November till now, and likely at least till end of February. 

Personally: 

- Lost some $ in that maybe-scam but I was in too much mental problems to even have resources to tackle that. I hope I have truly forgiven myself to say that, hey, you did what you thought was right at that point in time with the information you had, and just learn from it, but not to build too many walls. 

- Finally got into the dating app/game, one year later than I'd promised myself. 

- Went on 4 dates with 3 guys in 3 days. Found out that dating isn't that scary or as awkward as I had made them out to be in the past many years. I forget how sociable I can be. 

- Deepened some friendships, did not bother with some other more superficial ones. Trying to learn how to prioritise myself over others sometimes, and not always have it the opposite way. 

- Made a trip home back to Singapore for 4 weeks, and came away realising that as much as I love my birth country, it no longer felt like home. This felt sad, but yet also slightly exciting in some ways. 

- Also the year that I actually felt like I was able to let loose in some ways. Got so drunk I had to be brought home by a friend (for the very first time); danced and partied without care a few times and even on NYE with friends and strangers and had such a blast; felt sexy (thanks to J) and felt like indulging it even more, and still felt like myself. 

Emotionally: 

- Depression came along with the burnout. I had a timeline for myself that I would be maybe 80% better by spring, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I was a lot farther along than I understood, and that is one naive and optimistic timeline. 

- Started therapy; took a while to find a psychologist that suited me but at least there's one now. 

- Started doing a lot of internal unlearning, and growing. And came to the realisation that I've done a lot on my own, but that some growth requires a relationship to go further. It's hard to find triggers and learn how to handle them without letting myself out of the bubble I've built for so many years. Not sure it's a bubble anymore if the walls are as thick as I've made mine. 

- Trying out a casual relationship. Not sure how successful I am at being casual if one of the ways I've employed to keep the emotional distance is to put a one-sided expiry date on it, imagine ending it around 25 times in my head, and, oh, anti-depressants which seem to suppress my emotions even more. But it's a novel area for me to experiment with and learn from. 

But as always, there are so, so, so many things that I'm lucky to have. Such good friends who stand by me, even more than my family does -- A-u, T--a, A--e, Xx, Ts-ss, El-n-r. And also, myself -- for braving through the tough mental times and getting the help that I really needed, although that is an ongoing process, and one that I'm still in the midst of. But as history has often shown, the first step has always been the hardest: to 1) recognise, and 2) take. 

And I continue to be grateful for my past self -- for being so curious, hopeful, and adventurous; for investing in wonderful friendships and relationships; for building myself this financial security that gives me freedom and peace of mind in case I ever want to make drastic changes to my life again, or if it happens to me involuntarily. 

I carry that gratitude as I keep forging on in this adventure called life. I trust that it will guide and support me in the times I feel lost and when I don't take care of myself enough, and remind me of the wonderfulness in life. Of life. 

---- 

2024 

It's almost a month into the new year now, in this social construct we made of time. And as it stands, I still don't know what might happen professionally -- whether I want to return, when I want to return, whether there will be anything to return to, whether I want to ease up for a bit until I feel 80% recovered, or something else entirely. 

On the dating front, I'm struggling with new questions and thoughts I've not had to deal with before. J- being in Stockholm; him wanting to only meet up every 1.5-2 months; liking him and his company but wanting to keep it casual. Keeping it casual serves my purpose right now, since I haven't quite had the energy to focus on dating intentionally, but I also want to allow myself to have fun. I do sometimes wonder if it's also an easy way to put off getting vulnerable or hurt. The wonderful thing is that now I have this person to mirror against, I'm slowly clarifying and defining more of what I really want in a relationship and having the courage to face this head-on, after sidelining it for so long. So I hold on to this thought and try to keep myself open, even if it does end up being a heartbreak, I think I need to let myself experience that. As it is, I'm constantly grateful I've met him and grown so much even in the few times we've met over the past 6 months. (Wow, it's been 6 months? Holy cow.) 

In some ways, I almost feel like 2024 might be a year of crossroads, where many chapters that are ongoing or started a few years ago may switch tracks. But as always, there's no real benefit in trying to forecast the ending when the journey is the real treasure. 

Instead, I just need to identify the paths I want to take, love and trust myself, keep growing, and put one foot in front of the other at my own pace. And sometimes, if taking a step or three back feels like the right thing to do, I should go with it too. 

"One step forward and one step back, is not the same as standing still." 

I need to remind myself to be vulnerable and open as well. This has been hard but I've tried it in small steps with friends, and in some tiny ways, with J- as well, and it's not been as painful or difficult as I thought it might. But it's so easy to just clam up and armour myself since I've been doing that for... way too long.