Lucid nightmare/reality?

I woke up with adrenaline borne of anxiety last Thursday. In the dream, I had been stumbling around with blurry vision and a heavy head after being burnt out. It felt like my eyelids had been glued shut and all I could see/sense were vague blurry shadows, trying to support?stop? me as I fumbled evermore, running into obstacles, walls, door frames. 

I knew I was dreaming and tried to wrench myself awake. But the more I tried, the more meta-me felt the cage of not being able to wake up and a small panic grew within. So both physical me and mental me struggled against the obstacles, restraints and invisible bars, both not making any progress. 

It was haunting. 

But at least, reality is better. 

... Isn't it? 

Is it? 

I have more control, or I feel so; but I often wonder how much of it is delusion/self-consolation. If I had more control technically, why am I still in the same situation? Perhaps I am my own jailer. Just me, myself, and my warped sense of responsibility/principles/awareness -- whatever I deign to accord it to that day. 

--- 

Took the plunge and dove into dating apps 4 weeks ago, and therefore dating, whatever that means, and it's exhausting. I have, however, met a couple of really interesting people that I hope we can at least be friends. For that, I'm grateful. 

And then, as previous post mentioned, there was J. Who made me realise that differences may not be all that bad at all. For that, I'm also eternally grateful. 

Maybe it's time to take a short break. Then I'll need a new activity to fixate on. Maybe job-hunting? :D 

To Jo (you)

You were supposed to just be the first awkward date for me to get over and jump into the scary world of dating; and I end up meeting you 6 out of a possible 7 days. 

——

And you’re so different. We are so different. 

I never thought I would, but I like it. Morning bird vs night owl. Documentaries vs korean variety shows. Breakfast everyday vs first meal at 3pm. Sailing, climbing vs team sports. Heck, the music artistes we know have zero overlap. 

I sometimes wonder what we talk about since we have so little in common, but the conversation doesn’t seem to end. And even if it takes a rest, the silence feels comforting. (At least to me, now I know it felt distant to you, oops.) 

—— 

Moments I loved: 

• When I asked if it’s annoying that I’m constantly on you, and you immediately replied “I love it” 
• When you started to explain street names without me asking the question myself 
• When you try to introduce touristy parts to me because you know my friend here isn’t so familiar 
• When you introduced James the Jag. Hahaha all the raggabil music movement buildup to it :P 
• When you ask to hold my hand in the car and missed the turn 
• When you whispered you’re gonna fall so hard while I was riding you. That scared me. I wasn’t even ready to meet you, much less have anyone fall hard for me, lest I do the same. 

I like that you: 

• tell me concretely what you like/prefer. 
• offered help to those cyclists, even though they were reluctant to receive help haha. 
• made pancakes, laxpudding, and blodpudding for me. <3
• take in the world around you. Unabashedly. It reminded me how I used to be. 
• smile every time you see kids or dogs around.
• have a story or meaning behind the items decorating your place. 
• take actions towards your goals, like the job in the US. I love this. 

You’re amazing. 

—— 

I don’t know how it was for you, and even if it were for the “great sex” and short-term connection, that’s totally okay. As much as I did not set out for any casual flings, I am so grateful I met you. 

You made me realise there are still really great guys out there. That it’s not too late. You helped me see that life in Stockholm can be amazing (which TN tried so hard, but… yeah…). You helped me realise I really am ready to move on from Tallinn/S---. You helped me realise I have whatever it takes to face this demonic fear of dating, romance, commitment, relationships, even if it still remains scary. 

You made me feel beautiful. You made me feel so comfortable. You made me feel brave enough to keep forging forward. 

Thank you for the wonderful introduction to dating, after 9 years of accumulated dread. It’s surprisingly beautiful. <3

—————

Reflections and learnings:

• Don’t leave the important questions (what type of relationship do you want, when do we see each other again, do we want to meet again etc) to the end when there’s no time, just because I had some presumptions that it would be too hard so it’s best to just end it before anything really begins
• Don’t decide anything on my own. Start talking first