I woke up with adrenaline borne of anxiety last Thursday. In the dream, I had been stumbling around with blurry vision and a heavy head after being burnt out. It felt like my eyelids had been glued shut and all I could see/sense were vague blurry shadows, trying to support?stop? me as I fumbled evermore, running into obstacles, walls, door frames.
I knew I was dreaming and tried to wrench myself awake. But the more I tried, the more meta-me felt the cage of not being able to wake up and a small panic grew within. So both physical me and mental me struggled against the obstacles, restraints and invisible bars, both not making any progress.
It was haunting.
But at least, reality is better.
... Isn't it?
Is it?
I have more control, or I feel so; but I often wonder how much of it is delusion/self-consolation. If I had more control technically, why am I still in the same situation? Perhaps I am my own jailer. Just me, myself, and my warped sense of responsibility/principles/awareness -- whatever I deign to accord it to that day.
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Took the plunge and dove into dating apps 4 weeks ago, and therefore dating, whatever that means, and it's exhausting. I have, however, met a couple of really interesting people that I hope we can at least be friends. For that, I'm grateful.
And then, as previous post mentioned, there was J. Who made me realise that differences may not be all that bad at all. For that, I'm also eternally grateful.
Maybe it's time to take a short break. Then I'll need a new activity to fixate on. Maybe job-hunting? :D
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