Renewing Convictions

 "We can admire all we see, but we can only pick one." - Fortune cookie message, 6 December 2020. 

Haha... I could only laugh at how apt a message this was to appear at this stage where I'm feeling somewhat rudderless so I decide to go for step 10/10, the final boss stage, the end goal. Applied for my moonshot job and role and location 2 weeks ago, and, most naturally, didn't even make it to the interview step. 

So, time to put my head down and start grinding towards a goal. "Face it till you make it." is my new favourite quote that resonated so loudly the moment I saw it. 

Figured it's a good time to renew or revisit some convictions I made to myself 20 months ago when I made that decision to jump off that stable bridge and explore the muddier waters of uncertainty. Some things might have changed, some thoughts might have developed, other factors may have appeared so... let's see. 

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Do I regret the drastic way of pivoting, especially now that 2020 proves to be the year that it has been?

No. A huge, resounding No. (A part of me went "Phew!")

If anything, I feel even more glad that I'd left when I did, and did not stay on for a few more months, as conventional wisdom would have dictated, to get my performance bonus and increment. If I had stayed on even that short while more, I would not even have been able to complete Travel part 1. Sooo thankful now! 

Do I still want to move and live abroad? 

Yes. And even if I don't and end up with a job here again, for whatever reason, I am coming around to the idea of renting a place of my own, even if it still does not seem to make financial sense. While I am 200% sure I want my own space and place, I had always dismissed the idea of getting my own (temporary) place here. Looking at the general global situation and being stuck at home for the past 8 months has resulted in a 180-degree change there. 

Even if it means a much lesser pay? 

Yes. I won't lie and say that money is totally not important to me. It is. I was making a comfortable amount and I like managing and growing money. To me, money and managing my own money has meant independence since I was 12 years old. Yes, 12. How do you undo something that deep-rooted? And something that I continue planting? 

Even today, it's how I declared my independence to my dad just a week ago... "Why can't I do this? I'm not asking you for money. I'm still paying bills and buying groceries." He had no response thereafter. 

So, even if taking on a muchhh lesser pay would be painful in many ways, the good thing is I've been prepping myself even 2-3 years prior, by ensuring my spending habits would stay almost like when I was a student, and that the luxuries I chose are options easy to do without (sports, eating out, travelling). 

The only pain point is that I like to continue meeting (new and old) friends and family over meals/coffee outside. These add up but I consciously do not want to entirely cut this out. Sure, money is important, but relationships are even more so. I just need to strike a careful balance there. 

Even if it means I may not be able to save as much as I have been? 

Again, painful but yes. A hidden part of me thinks that with my work ability and ethic, I should be able to again increase my salary quickly enough that this pain shouldn't last too long. At most it'll just take another 7 years? Lol... Let's see if I'm right. 

Even if it means I have to restart my career trajectory and start again from the bottom? 

Totally, yes. In fact, that's part of what I was trying to do anyway. I think I forget this sometimes.

The most difficult part though is not having to start from zero, but deciding where and what to start with... That fortune cookie message fits so aptly here. 

~ We can admire all we see, but we can only pick one.~

Even if it means I may move away from the initial direction, like product management, that I initially envisioned? 

This part gives me pause. As much as I wanted to move overseas, this part unknowingly almost seems to come in a close second, to the point where recently I even had the thought that maybe I should get a product/project management role here first, work for a few years, then leverage that to go abroad. And that thought surprised the hell outta me. It made me think, "Wow, am I even ready to give up that window of moving overseas right now, just so I can build up product management experience and skills?" 

I'm still not sure. Technically, I could do the same by moving abroad first, dipping my toes somewhere, then build up to product management there. Right? So I think... yeah. Moving overseas in the nearest future still precedes this career direction. It just feels like I would enjoy and get the most out of being abroad at this current point in my life. Glad I sorted this part out... Gotta grab it while it's hot! 

Even if it means I have to spend money for an overseas education, if that turns out to be the best way forward, especially in a year like this? 

Ah, this part is painful too. I guess I'm pretty poor at spending money, since to me it has been equivalent to freedom/independence since I was young. I'm working on changing that mindset, and I think this might be a big part of it.

So... Yeah. I guess I have been trying to bring myself round to the possibility of emptying out my solid rainy-day savings (aka what I've been calling the ESPP bank) to help pave the way forward if needed. I guess I should see it as an investment in myself and my future self? Ideally I'd like to still have some left for other rainy days, so we'll see... 

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Going through this exercise of renewing my own convictions about where I want to be and what I want to do has helped clear the muddy waters a little. Time to do more groundwork and actually start walking towards what I've decided then! 

Gotta face it till I make it. 

Inversions

Started inversion practice ~3 weeks ago. First goal being: Headstand for 3 mins. Inverting in and of itself wasn't too hard, just took a day or so. But then it took a week for me to even raise, straighten my legs, and hold. What looked effortless in videos, and what I take for granted standing right side up everyday, turned out to be a significant challenge.

In order to be balanced and hold steady, I realised I had to simultaneously activate all major muscle groups. Losing focus momentarily and/or overly flexing any one muscle very quickly caused an imbalance and I'd fall.

As I continue to try out inversion variations (tripod, headstand leg lifts), this thought keeps re-surfacing. And it felt applicable to life too. Somehow. 

Fulfilling, one day at a time

Some days I feel sad and lonely, some days I feel fine. 
Some days the clock just ticks too slowly and I wish away my time, 
I wish away my time... 

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Today I...

Woke up,
had my usual breakfast,
made a cottage pie,
painted a cactus (the last of my Prussian Burnt Sienna Vertical series ahem artsyfartsyfancy ahem),
assembled the chocolate oatmeal cake into a Kahlua cake a la rum baba style,
did one yoga flow,
tried (emphasis) the headstand and then the crow,
made 비빔잡채,
checked in on a friend whose plans might be impacted but sounds like she's doing well.

Today wasn't too bad at all. 

In Reverse

Looking at an expansive mountain landscape, you'll notice the furthest away are the darkest and most stark. Yet, reflecting that reality doesn't quite work in painting.

Instead, the darkest colours are saved for the ones nearest to the 'eye', with the far-offs left to fade into a smidgen of grey. And the brain understands when it sees this. Odd and fascinating, isn't it?

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I'd forgotten how cathartic it can be cutting my own hair. And so addictive too haha. Between that and trawling sites to find random gems to watch, feels like I'm back to my early teens. Strangely fun. 

Droplets

Tiny droplets of wisdom that blew my mind recently.

"Living in a different country... is, in essence, a psychedelic experience."

"Progression, not perfection."

Bad speaking habits. Just bad.

One of the new things I've picked up this past 1-2 months has been transcription. I've always had an ear for deciphering accents - American, British, Asians, Indians, ANZers - although I've definitely discovered some weaknesses, like African-American lingo. Meep.  Since young I've been told I speak too fast, and that's still a trait I have to consciously override at times.  Funnily enough, I seem to have a much more measured pace when using American English. Word.

I was fortunate to have a mentor-manager, who exemplified the use of pauses and also called me out on the use of too many ums.  So listening to others speak has been a wholly interesting exercise, as well as a reinforcement of sorts.

Out of 50 samples, I'd say:

• 28 would have, "um", "you know", "like" a  "really" preferred filler. 
• 12 would have preferred enders, like "right?", "you know?", "and, so.", "so yeah...".
• 4 would almost always use the same lilt, such that sentences sound like questions, or the sentences just don't end, trailing off... ... 
• 2 would have a combination of some or all of the above-mentioned habits. 
• 2 would sound like constant practice; a product of consistent, conscious efforts to eradicate all of the above (usually webinar speakers, podcasters, and the like).
• 1 was an example in the charisma of religious figures. 
• And finally, one very eloquent, natural speaker who did not use fillers, yet did not sound scripted nor practiced, and also did not cause listening fatigue. 

Wow. Just wow. Turns out talking is easy, but speaking well is really almost unheard of. (Ha ha, see the pun there?)

A wrench in the plans

First visit here in the new year, and I took some time to read all my previous posts. It's always interesting to get a peek into how I might have thought or felt at certain points in life.

Six months on now, or actually the start of the 8th month really. With the virus situation now taking hold of the world and sweeping away travel plans, this seems a good time to pause, reflect, and give thanks.

Thankful for...
1. The previous stage in life and company that helped me grow in leaps and bounds through my 20s.

• Time flew. 1-2 years became 4-5 years, and then eventually 7 years. Gasp. 
• Finessed my third language and somehow picked up the basics for a fourth. 
• I was glad to be at a company and in roles which valued words and showed it: Active, proper, casual. I will always remember that feeling of "Ah, this is it." when I first saw the header of the contract and terms. 
• Interacted with so many managers and a whole spectrum of them, and learnt about myself through that. 
• The early lesson of knowing my own value and never committing to a company before numbers. Some thing tells me this will be an invaluable lesson, and best learnt early on. 
• Knowing that I have the confidence to stand in front of regional directors and managers to present; that I could prepare, and the flow would come. 
• The chance to take on roles and responsibilities that I would not have otherwise known about even a year prior. Machine learning, fraud, compliance, operations, management, audits. Whole new worlds. How many have a chance to do so much in such a short time, especially within that company? 
• Funnily enough, also knowing that while I learnt more of valuing myself, it was good to truly know that I could let go of monetary value to pursue 

2. Family 

• For all the good and not-so-smooth that comes with family, no one in my immediate family has questioned my decision. No one. How amazing is that? Even my grandma doesn't ask me face-to-face, and I have lunch with her every 2-3 weeks. 
• Being able to take on a reno project for PP last year. Learnt so much plus so much fun. 
• The youngest graduating and coming back, and being able to get an internship pretty quickly. 
• Having the means to still take a trip each with mom and pop. Patience level definitely still needs work though heh. 

3. Chosen Family 

• Having a network of wonderful, inspiring, warm, loving friends, in many places. So, so lucky.
• That a couple close friends got married, especially the darn good friend, woohoo. Moving fast and even looking to adopt a furkid now. And some other good friends recently entered the holy realm of motherhood. So happy for everyone. 
• Being on fun terms with most of the folks whom I play my sports, and even able to travel with a few of them. 

4. My circumstances 

• With the recent global situation, I have to say right now there's really nowhere else I'd rather be. So fortunate to be born in a place with good governance, planning, and top-notch facilities. 
• Parts 2 and 3 may be on hold but how lucky am I that I was able to complete travels Parts 1 and 1.5 (the parents).
• And that critical thinking and gut feeling had me holding off on booking the tickets for Part 2. 
• That I continue to be healthy and fitter than before, thanks to wonderful incentives like credit for 10,000 steps per day. What other government gives you money for staying healthy and fit?!
• Health. Health. Health. For someone who often spent infancy and childhood sick and easily sick, and then the injuries plus eye scare 5-6 years ago, the last 3 years have been full of blessings. Keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way! 
• On a sidenote, dropped around 7-8 kilos since last August. Most of it slowly over Travels Part 1 with the increased daily activity, but the quickest drop recently was all thanks to the intense 4 weeks at the bistro bar. Lol. Reminded me how much fun F&B can be, but also how I should move on if it doesn't have anything new for me. 

5. Myself 

• That I could keep this direction in mind for so many years, since 2015 I think, and now still have the courage to take half a step forward. 
• That I continue to like reading. 
• That my heart didn't drop with the recent market reds. 
• That I had the discipline the last few years, so that I continue to have the means to contribute to the house in a small way, and maintain living standards. 
• That I'm often so eccentric in my tastes and non-mainstream in my consumerism. 
• That I like to cook! Recent accomplishments include: 노각무침, 숙추무침,꽁나물 탕,양파 장아찌, 겉절이, 가지밥, 味玉. More to come! 
• That I continue to take on tasks of all kinds, and keep on learning. For a while, learning pretty much equated to learning on the job or while employed; time to overturn that. 　

Pray that I stay humble and open-hearted, that I have the courage to keep on my path whatever it may be, yet the wisdom to stop and smell the flowers and rest, and to know when to settle for the next chapter. Pray that I always choose to be kind.  Health and happiness for all. 

I really need to get back on to the bike lessons argh. And Espanol, and Norsk. But really, the bike. Not sure why that's proving to be so hard right now though. Odd.