Renewing Convictions

 "We can admire all we see, but we can only pick one." - Fortune cookie message, 6 December 2020. 

Haha... I could only laugh at how apt a message this was to appear at this stage where I'm feeling somewhat rudderless so I decide to go for step 10/10, the final boss stage, the end goal. Applied for my moonshot job and role and location 2 weeks ago, and, most naturally, didn't even make it to the interview step. 

So, time to put my head down and start grinding towards a goal. "Face it till you make it." is my new favourite quote that resonated so loudly the moment I saw it. 

Figured it's a good time to renew or revisit some convictions I made to myself 20 months ago when I made that decision to jump off that stable bridge and explore the muddier waters of uncertainty. Some things might have changed, some thoughts might have developed, other factors may have appeared so... let's see. 

=====

Do I regret the drastic way of pivoting, especially now that 2020 proves to be the year that it has been?

No. A huge, resounding No. (A part of me went "Phew!")

If anything, I feel even more glad that I'd left when I did, and did not stay on for a few more months, as conventional wisdom would have dictated, to get my performance bonus and increment. If I had stayed on even that short while more, I would not even have been able to complete Travel part 1. Sooo thankful now! 

Do I still want to move and live abroad? 

Yes. And even if I don't and end up with a job here again, for whatever reason, I am coming around to the idea of renting a place of my own, even if it still does not seem to make financial sense. While I am 200% sure I want my own space and place, I had always dismissed the idea of getting my own (temporary) place here. Looking at the general global situation and being stuck at home for the past 8 months has resulted in a 180-degree change there. 

Even if it means a much lesser pay? 

Yes. I won't lie and say that money is totally not important to me. It is. I was making a comfortable amount and I like managing and growing money. To me, money and managing my own money has meant independence since I was 12 years old. Yes, 12. How do you undo something that deep-rooted? And something that I continue planting? 

Even today, it's how I declared my independence to my dad just a week ago... "Why can't I do this? I'm not asking you for money. I'm still paying bills and buying groceries." He had no response thereafter. 

So, even if taking on a muchhh lesser pay would be painful in many ways, the good thing is I've been prepping myself even 2-3 years prior, by ensuring my spending habits would stay almost like when I was a student, and that the luxuries I chose are options easy to do without (sports, eating out, travelling). 

The only pain point is that I like to continue meeting (new and old) friends and family over meals/coffee outside. These add up but I consciously do not want to entirely cut this out. Sure, money is important, but relationships are even more so. I just need to strike a careful balance there. 

Even if it means I may not be able to save as much as I have been? 

Again, painful but yes. A hidden part of me thinks that with my work ability and ethic, I should be able to again increase my salary quickly enough that this pain shouldn't last too long. At most it'll just take another 7 years? Lol... Let's see if I'm right. 

Even if it means I have to restart my career trajectory and start again from the bottom? 

Totally, yes. In fact, that's part of what I was trying to do anyway. I think I forget this sometimes.

The most difficult part though is not having to start from zero, but deciding where and what to start with... That fortune cookie message fits so aptly here. 

~ We can admire all we see, but we can only pick one.~

Even if it means I may move away from the initial direction, like product management, that I initially envisioned? 

This part gives me pause. As much as I wanted to move overseas, this part unknowingly almost seems to come in a close second, to the point where recently I even had the thought that maybe I should get a product/project management role here first, work for a few years, then leverage that to go abroad. And that thought surprised the hell outta me. It made me think, "Wow, am I even ready to give up that window of moving overseas right now, just so I can build up product management experience and skills?" 

I'm still not sure. Technically, I could do the same by moving abroad first, dipping my toes somewhere, then build up to product management there. Right? So I think... yeah. Moving overseas in the nearest future still precedes this career direction. It just feels like I would enjoy and get the most out of being abroad at this current point in my life. Glad I sorted this part out... Gotta grab it while it's hot! 

Even if it means I have to spend money for an overseas education, if that turns out to be the best way forward, especially in a year like this? 

Ah, this part is painful too. I guess I'm pretty poor at spending money, since to me it has been equivalent to freedom/independence since I was young. I'm working on changing that mindset, and I think this might be a big part of it.

So... Yeah. I guess I have been trying to bring myself round to the possibility of emptying out my solid rainy-day savings (aka what I've been calling the ESPP bank) to help pave the way forward if needed. I guess I should see it as an investment in myself and my future self? Ideally I'd like to still have some left for other rainy days, so we'll see... 

=====

Going through this exercise of renewing my own convictions about where I want to be and what I want to do has helped clear the muddy waters a little. Time to do more groundwork and actually start walking towards what I've decided then! 

Gotta face it till I make it.