Last weekend, Kaspar mentioned that it's been 3 months since we first met, and that was also the 7th night in a row that we were together (we spent weekdays at his place then weekend at mine). He mentioned he didn't have a gift for me to celebrate this 3 months, and I was like "Why would a gift be needed?". We're exclusive but not technically together, although in my head, I'm starting to reject less and less when he mentions "girlfriend". But in my head, I'm also thinking: Is it a milestone? Or a timer ticking down?
It feels like with every hill we try to tackle, another appears before the previous ones are fully addressed. First it was him not taking care of himself (not being active, eating poorly, nicotine pouches, smoking weed daily, and a daily nightcap), so he now eats everything I give him, albeit that's only on the weekends, and apparently stopped smoking weed.
Then it was a matter of the way we each view food -- I thoroughly enjoy it and enjoy cooking too and trying new flavours, new things; but he eats like a robot, and has a kid's preferences -- French fries with a bunch of mayo and ketchup. He doesn't like to veer outside what he knows (i.e. potatoes and meat patties) and most of all, he doesn't enjoy food. So now, he at least sits with me while I finish my food, and not run back to lying on the couch the moment he's done eating, and he tries everything I make. This weekend, he said let's try him cooking instead of me, and maybe that will help. I really like how he is trying to find ways to solve things together; I love this.
And last week, while chatting, it turns out he hadn't even finished high school, despite going to Tartu for it after dropping out in Rakvere. Did 3 years there and attended only the culinary parts, but not the academic parts. And last year, when his Rakvere friend decided to complete her high school diploma with distance learning, he tried for a bit, then couldn't be bothered 2-3 months later, so ended it. It starts also tying together with the times when he starts coming home earlier than his job ends -- even though he's hourly paid -- and when I asked why, he just says he can't be bothered. Each on its own, hasn't really been a problem; but altogether, they seem to indicate a complete lack of discipline. And it makes me wonder, at some point is he going to stop working for the relationship because he can't be bothered?
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At the same time, he often surprises me with how open-minded he seems. He doesn't mind that I earn a lot more than he, or if we will live in a place that I buy and drive a car I own. Or that if I move, he will want to move with me, even finding a janitor job if needed (I love this). Or that he will take the kids for the first 3 years parental leave so I can go work. Or that maybe I want to be a housewife.
And that he is here to work through problems with me. And that he really wants to make it work.
He is much cleaner and tidier, and he helps me out with these without complaining. In the long run, he said it's also not a problem because he can clean when we live together.
He always lets me through the doors first. Carries most of the stuff even when I say I can carry them. Started to hug and stroke me much more than before. Always holds my hand when we're out walking. Doesn't shy away from talking about difficult topics.
Is it enough? I hope it is. I think first, I need to ask myself some ugly and uncomfortable questions.
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Will he really be happy moving to a different country?
Will he resent moving when he might have a hard time finding a job with his level of English and he doesn't even have his high school diploma?
Will I eventually resent being the main breadwinner?
Will he resent me being the main breadwinner?
Will it be a problem raising kids when our education backgrounds are so different?
Am I going to feel embarrassed with the differences in our education (not intelligence) and income levels? If I do, what's behind it?
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Right now, I, surprisingly, feel like I can accept all these differences with panache. Very, very, very surprising discovery of myself. It seems I don't mind earning more, being the main breadwinner, having different education backgrounds and mindsets about work.
But then I start wondering: am I swinging to having such lowww expectations from previously having such high expectations, and am I settling because I just want kids? Or I really think it can work with him?
He is nothing like what I imagined my future partner might even be. I'm not sure that's good or bad. But interestingly enough, I am open to it now, but I wonder if it's a temporary blindness.
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