Had brunch + team sync at Sofia's lovely place on 31st, and heard about a New Year's exercise that sounded interesting: Think of a word for 2025 and use it for the sticky moments; the stalemates that need some progress; the tough decisions. 2024 has been such a milestone year in many ways -- personal, career, family -- and 2025 already feels like it will be another one, so having a guiding word sounded quite lovely.
It was tough to find a word, but the first word that did pop up over and over again was "Flow", so flow it is. For me, that word brings to mind several different meanings and imageries: Flow, like water, meandering and moving, changing shapes if needed, but persevering on its way; Flow, like flow states; Flow, like going with the flow and letting things be. After 2023 and 2024, where it's often felt like I've taken one step back then one step forward again, 'flow' resonates for 2025. Let's flow.
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NYE last night was spent in Kohila with Kaspar's friends, and while it was not pärim päev, it was wonderful. So much good food, feeling a bit more comfortable with his friends, and Kaspar getting better at involving me and showing his sweetness and affection throughout, and the fireworks with the excitement of the kids -- definitely a key memory.
Today was a lot more laidback, to the point where I got worried because he has basically horizontal the entire day, then he agreed to go on a walk and pulled out. So I got a bit miffed and decided to head out to a cafe myself, then he switched 180 degrees and wanted to tag along, then 2 mins later, flopped again on his decision, which annoyed me. So now I'm out at a cafe in Old Town, enjoying the space and digesting why I reacted the way I did.
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It's been 5 months together now, and 2.5 months living together, and next Thursday, we will be going on our first vacation abroad together to Prague. In some ways, I'm more and more accepting that idea of us building a future together -- I even told him the other day that I'm not staying in Estonia for him but I feel like I'm ready to leave it because of him, in that I feel secure enough to fly and that he will come along with me. And that's definitely true. In so many ways, he anchors me, even as he riles me up every once in a while. The questions and doubts I have are not entirely quietened, but they are quieter, not that they are gone but I think I'm learning to enjoy the current moments more than trying to make the best decision for the future and trying to look into a crystal ball that I clearly do not have.
If 2024 has been anything, it's been a year of practicing the art of enjoying the here and now.
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2024 -- the year I pulled myself out of burnout, with the aid of anti-depressants, healthcare professionals, wonderful friends and willpower. It was bumpy -- several slide backs, a spell or two in resentment and cynicism in tandem with several difficult decisions -- but it ended on a much stronger, and more stable note. I am so grateful for that.
2024 -- the year I enjoyed a brief fling, and ended it when necessary. I learnt a lot.
2024 -- the year I developed more in Padel as a hobby, mentally, physically and emotionally.
2024 -- the year Popo joined Gong Gong :'(
2024 -- the year I dated in earnest.
2024 -- the year I met Kaspar, and he moved in with me.
2024 -- the year I spent a month with Mum in Estonia, hopefully coming through stronger than before.
2024 -- the year I start setting some next steps in motion.
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Here's to flowing into 2025. Cheers.
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