A call with a persistent and enthusiastic (or overly eager?) HR personnel yesterday and answering a set of questions that included "What's your main reason to join us?" for a job application triggered some thinking... and this post.
20 months on, I still find myself struggling to respond succinctly when people ask why I left. I'd go through a chain of thoughts: Is this a serious I-want-to-know question or a passing one? How much time should I spend explaining it was all good? How does this person see the world? What are this person's mindset and values? What reason would they best understand? Do I want to leave room for further questions? I filter through this chain of thought to arrive on my response, so it has varied.
"I want to work in Europe and learn a European language."
"I want to work overseas and there weren't any opportunities that stood out with the company even though I'd looked for one year."
"Everything was great, but I wanted a change."
"I wanted to pivot to grow, and be outside my comfort zone."
"I got bored."
"Felt like time. I was supposed to stay 1-2 years, but I stayed for 7 and even tried to leave twice before."
"Felt the glass ceilings."
"I wanted to see what working in a smaller company would be like."
At one point, I even a little disgustedly thought to myself, "Sheesh, why am I always trying to match what others think or how they can understand it??" But I realised I wasn't. I may have been selectively sharing bits and pieces but they were all truths.
1. I wanted to experience discomfort once again.
I still vividly recall the much harder than expected adjustment of living in a place where I didn't speak the language. It was nerve-racking, humbling, eye-opening, intense, and exhilarating. All at once. And I'd like to experience that all over again, and maybe see how I fare this time round.
2. I wanted a new personal challenge.
See above.
And, I figured since I already somewhat speak 3 Asian languages, why not learn one from a new language family? Every time I learn a language, I also understand a new worldview, mindset and cultural values. Fascinating stuff. Plus, learning those in turn led me to reflect upon my own.
3. I wanted to be closer to the core, to the strategic decision making and makers.
At A, I was immensely fortunate to be able to walk the path that I did. I was able to somehow circumvent the usual minimum-1-year-on-the-job-before-changes HR rule and land a rotation in a team/role that usually requires 3-5 years experience, when I was just 7 months in with no call experience. When I was about to leave, I get offered a job two weeks prior to my last date even though I told the (outgoing) manager I will probably only stay a year there. She said, "Sure, just don't tell the incoming manager." Then, just at the 1 year 1 month mark on that job, I chance upon and apply for an opportunity to try out a brand new team, got that role, and jumped into the frenetic and dynamic world of fraud, risk, and compliance. Even there, I somehow fell into a new initiative that drew me into the world of developers, data science and data analysis. When I hit a bump with the key personnel driving those projects, Providence(?) helps and a reshuffle happens and I was able to get the resources and focus from the new managers thereafter. The team and tool has stabilised enough such that 6 months on, I can bear to draw the curtain on that chapter.
So. many. lucky. stars. Uncountable, really...
Yet, through it all, I understood with growing certainty that all the decision-making happened in one region/country. Or maybe 1.5 regions; and ours was definitely not one of it. So I wondered: What would it be like to be working at the core? Wouldn't it be more exciting and meaningful being at the heart of the decision-making and/or the product?
4. I wanted more of a growth runway... even if I eventually choose not to embark upon it.
Glass ceilings. Even as I was blazing through the unconventional path above, I could feel the glass ceiling getting closer and closer. And it irked the hell out of me. It irked me too when dear KorKor cynically and resignedly said, "That's what we are mostly going to end up -- middle management getting the actual shit done for the Ang Mohs calling the shots."
As much as racism, gender-ism are still alive in the world today, it annoyed me that the world was this way and that people close to me simply accept it, grow cynical, and 'move on'. Why shouldn't I be able to reach C-suite or be a Senior Executive? Why should I have my growth runway cut short just because of where I was born, where I am located or what I look like? Even though I may end up not walking the corporate ladder to the top, it will be because I chose not to, and not because of glass ceilings.
5. I wanted to pursue... me.
I'll admit there's an element of escapism too. Ever since I was 18, I chose to pursue local education to leave $$ for the two younger ones, and then after graduating, I tried to get my parents' financials in order, tried to get things to work out for the middle one and then to get him to work, and then coordinated finances for the youngest one, and always trying to be the glue. The third parent. The adult. Take the high road. Remember to be kind. To respond in a way that I will not look back upon and regret. Now, 15 years on, with everyone else settled, I'd like to just pursue me.
As tiring and emotionally draining as holding the fort and these roles could be, I'm grateful for how they've shaped me and how they still remind me sometimes that I need to work on my patience, my kindness, my mindset and my thoughts. Still, I really would like to be in a place that's just me for a while and just be me.
I think this ties back to #1 when I was last living in Tokyo, struggling to get by with daily life and learn the language and adjust to a different environment and culture. Beneath all that, there was a sense of freedom that I don't think I've experienced ever since. And maybe, that's what I miss most.
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Feels good to formulate these swirling thoughts as I stand now at the crossroads of choices and possibilities. Feels like penning these down would serve as a solid reminder of my initial objectives too, like when an overly eager HR shares high pay, great work-life balance and culture, and stock options.
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