Just realized I am now midway through the rotation, but it already feels like I've been here six months. Still working on the adjustment and will have to see how this plays out. Wonder how long the extension will be and how patient I'll be.
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Family matters seem to tire me out easily. I really dislike being the main channel through which everything seems to go through. Allowance to H in US? Through me. Discussions on affordability of his education? Initiated and facilitated by me. Questions about R's future now that he's back in SG? Ask me, even though my brother is just right next to me. Ah Ma is not feeling well and need to contact my father? Message me. Popo needs a smart phone, but my mother doesn't want to buy it and my aunt has no time so, who else? Me. Third aunt needs to do angioplasty and wants to contact my father to gift him, but he doesn't respond - go through me, of course. Dad doesn't want to respond to her and yet doesn't want me engage her or take her gift, but I refuse to be pulled into their own family games so I still politely respond.
So tired. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't the eldest, and wasn't the sensible, responsible one. Why couldn't I have been the eccentric one who just did everything the way I wanted, and didn't care about anyone else? Or maybe the youngest one, who had an elder sibling pave the way and help ensure everything will be alright?
Recently, I don't know if the urge to leave is fuelled by an innate desire to fly or an escape route from such pressure.
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Did a personality test thing for fun (http://www.thebookoflife.org/self-knowledge-questionnaire/#) and got Reverence, Shyness, and Sensitivity. Seemed pretty true, especially the Reverence part - never really thought of it this way. Excerpted below:
REVERENCE
One part of you dreams of giving yourself up - perhaps just for a while - to a hero or mentor. In the right circumstances you can flourish by letting go of your ego. In your inner life, reverence plays out as a willing submission to your own conscience. In the outside world, you might get frustrated searching for something worth believing in - a country, a person, a company - but you will always be open to feeling respect, admiration and wonder.
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Family matters seem to tire me out easily. I really dislike being the main channel through which everything seems to go through. Allowance to H in US? Through me. Discussions on affordability of his education? Initiated and facilitated by me. Questions about R's future now that he's back in SG? Ask me, even though my brother is just right next to me. Ah Ma is not feeling well and need to contact my father? Message me. Popo needs a smart phone, but my mother doesn't want to buy it and my aunt has no time so, who else? Me. Third aunt needs to do angioplasty and wants to contact my father to gift him, but he doesn't respond - go through me, of course. Dad doesn't want to respond to her and yet doesn't want me engage her or take her gift, but I refuse to be pulled into their own family games so I still politely respond.
So tired. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't the eldest, and wasn't the sensible, responsible one. Why couldn't I have been the eccentric one who just did everything the way I wanted, and didn't care about anyone else? Or maybe the youngest one, who had an elder sibling pave the way and help ensure everything will be alright?
Recently, I don't know if the urge to leave is fuelled by an innate desire to fly or an escape route from such pressure.
---
Did a personality test thing for fun (http://www.thebookoflife.org/self-knowledge-questionnaire/#) and got Reverence, Shyness, and Sensitivity. Seemed pretty true, especially the Reverence part - never really thought of it this way. Excerpted below:
REVERENCE
One part of you dreams of giving yourself up - perhaps just for a while - to a hero or mentor. In the right circumstances you can flourish by letting go of your ego. In your inner life, reverence plays out as a willing submission to your own conscience. In the outside world, you might get frustrated searching for something worth believing in - a country, a person, a company - but you will always be open to feeling respect, admiration and wonder.
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