It took 4 months + How much should I care?

It struck me the other day on New Year's Eve that, "Wow, this was what I used to feel like before the accident -- alert and engaged." And then I realised even though I kept thinking in the past month that I was fully back to normal, I had really been at 70% or less. Probably much less, before the vitamin D supplemental intake. Funny how 3 months sounds so short on paper but can seem like a different lifetime away: From remembering how it was to be fit, to being alert most of the day, to remembering how I fed myself while working.

---

3 months is also wayyy too short/long for things to crumble so much at work. I guess the foundation was barely in the works, so when the building fell, it took with it whatever that had been already built for 1-2 years, so... 

I was unable to sleep last night until 4am, on my birthday, agonising over people and management issues at work. I'd spent hours prior to that thinking that I probably should step up and ask for interim authority until AN is back, but then I saw an update that derailed that thought and just set me back down that familiar path of should-I-give-J-feedback-or-should-I-not. Ugh. I'd already made the decisions so many times prior to this that I should not bother, but then if I really want the company to succeed, maybe I need to push more, even if it means bracing myself for potential personal conflict. 

But then this morning, I woke up, and honestly thought, do I care that much? I care enough to want to make sure things can be as good (even if still bad) and at least salvageable when AN returns, but that's in 4 weeks anyway. Also, will I even stay (long) if AN does not come back? The bigger issue now seems to be that I'm losing confidence in the top management, and having the right management is so crucial to any company, especially a startup. Do I really want to spend years of my life riding this out? 

Ma ei tea. I really don't know. 

Part of me wants to disengage and distance myself, and remember that this is just a job, no matter how much I liked everything initially. But then, another part of me says, if I wanted a job that I could do well and distance myself in, maybe I should go back to A in Singapore. The pay is so, so much more. Money wasn't the reason I left though, but I also tell myself that reasons do change. 

Please let these 4 weeks pass quickly and without too much long-lasting damage. I think February will shine light on some of my fomenting worries above. Fingers crossed.